Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes for fun I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they open the door,,, I say, "Hey! Sorry I'm late."

   I can't wait for summer in Canada............. I hear it's gonna be on a Saturday this year

   When my son asked my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance, I said "maybe she went bIack",,., and now I don't have to help with homework

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary... Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google it.

   Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant.... The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

   I'm a little disappointed that the Supreme Court proceedings this week didn't begin with,,,,, "Mawage.. Mawage is wot bwings us togever today."

   (overheard in Horse-ville)....."All in favour of this-here horse for president say Yea"... *silence*.... "All those opposed say Nay"... And that's why Horse-ville has been without a president for over 200 years ..

   I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding, driving Kia's all around town. No wait..... Hamsters, I hate hamsters

   Hey person calling from a blocked number, I'm not answering...... Ever.

   North Korea changes its Facebook relationship status with the South Korea from "It's Complicated" to "War."

   Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?

   Hello 911?,,, I need to report a kidnapping....yeah, there's a baby goat asleep in my lap,,. No, don't send cops,, you'll wake him up

   I've been checking the box at the fire department but there's never any babies in it.. Whoever's beating me to it..YOU CAN ONLY TAKE ONE PER VISIT.

   My wife and I keep a running score of who laughs first when one of the kids says something wildly inappropriate

   If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our accupuncture session.

   Got fired from Bath and Body Works. Apparently coming up behind customers & whispering, "it puts the lotion in the basket," is frowned upon.

   Was I supposed to put the stripper in the cake before or after I bake it?.. Either way,, I gotta hide this body.. It's starting to smell

   I know,,,, Let's vote the pool water off that new celebrity diving show

   In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.

   In Maine,, I've decided we only need one weather man, and his job is to stand on camera shivering saying bundle up,,, that's it.