Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Hey you ok? I haven't seen you post a selife in like 5 minutes.

   I'm still trying to figure out my wife's logic from an argument we had in 2003.

   If you didn't want me looking in your bedroom then you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.

   The best way to avoid getting fired is to avoid getting hired.

   Hey husbands, only 2 more days to get your wife a gift for Valentine's Day so she can be less angry at you for about 3 hours.

   I can't believe I haven't ruined somebody's day yet.

   At my job interview today the guy said, "You're shaking, don't be so nervous." So I told him, "Oh, I'm not nervous, I'm an alcoholic."

   There is no straight way to wash a cucumber.

   I don't think women like flowers, they just like seeing how dumb men are "this guy is actually spending money to buy a plant we won't eat?"

   Its not my fault I have a double-chin...when God was giving out chins..I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.

   Ladies; Don't listen to a man who says he can tell your temperature with his pen*s. It's fun, but inaccurate.

   I don't want Shia LaBeouf to stop making films because he might start working in a McDonald's near me and I don't want him touching my food.

   Aren't you too fat to be this rude?

   Sorry I mispronounced your baby's name you made up.

   Every time someone tells me “you have a good handshake.” I reply with “you can thank my pen*s for that.”

   Introduce me to your parents at your own risk.

   How many white girls does it take to change a light bulb? I have no clue, but I guarantee they'll post a picture of it on Instagram.

   All I'm saying, ladies, is if you're looking for a guy how about collecting snacks instead of cats.

   My wife says I'm a clueless idiot. I didn't even know I had a wife.

   I can't believe I used to talk to people.