Snotty Funny Status Messages

   We all lose if CBS doesn't film the next Survivor aboard a Carnival Cruise Ship.

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous

   Heck,,, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: If you stamp on Trump's foot,, his hair pops straight up like a trash can lid.

   I'm not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD

   On Fridays I like to spend my lunch at the old folks home dragging my feet around the carpet and shocking them...... I saved 8 lives last month

   Hope I never go to jail,, because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2003.

   My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I'm Just Napping

   My favorite part of an oil change is when they show you the air filter,,, and then look at you like you're a disgusting pig.

   FYI: A great white shark, is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

   Blowing out birthday candles,, must be really frustrating for baby dragons.

   Just beat a mime to death with my air guitar.

   Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.

   Told this girl I'm a tenor, and she said, "You're a six,,, and that's with me being generous."

   I sometimes eat pizza with a fork... Please love me anyway.

   ME: When is "trash day?"............ NEIGHBOR: Umm,,, we don't observe "trash day"

   My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That's not my waiter

   We are so fortunate not to live in China,,, they have to hide their posts in cookies.

   It's kinda sad that I'm 46 and I still need to say "righty tighty,, lefty loosey" when I fix things.

   Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!