Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If I were a proctologist,,, I'd walk into every examining room with fake hook-hands, cuz,,,,,,,, well, you know

   If a little kid gives you a high 5 and you don't pretend like they broke your hand, you're doing life wrong.

   I sold my homing pigeon 137 times last year on eBay............................................................................Ha, Ha.

   Wondering if it's ok to ask someone with an eye patch,,,,, "Well, was it all fun and games up to that point?"

   When my dog has HIS friends over,,, I'm going to fart and quietly leave the room,,, Just so he knows how it feels

   I think it's safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.

   * Walk in jury duty.... * Hand both lawyers a copy of my latest status updates..... * Walk out of jury duty....

   He was a good dog. He was a smart, very good boy. Who was a good dog? Who's a hansome, good boy? Was it you? Yes it was..—---Dog obituary

   TOP MISTAKES MARRIED MEN MAKE: 1) Doing things... 2) Not doing things... 3) Thinking about doing things... 4) Not thinking about doing things...

   I think KFC should expand their menu to include a 30 piece bucket of original recipe/ extra crispy skin.

   I'll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers

   Well,, If you're gonna be "Polically Correct" about the Pledge of Alliegance... You might as well be 'Geo-Politically correct" and change the Pledge to " One Nation,, under Canada"

   About 73% of the time, I just make up percentages

   11 out of 10 centipedes go bankrupt when they go bowling.

   In "Hipster Jeopardy", all contestants must phrase their responses in the form of irony.

   I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: "How did you know this sign was here?"

   I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. she chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me she will never trust another human being again.

   If you took all the babies on earth and stacked them head to toe,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, That would be kidnapping.

   Rihanna says she’ll probably have kids,,,,,, mostly because Chris wants to take a swing at being a dad.

   What??? You want me to travel to Manila to pick up some envelopes??