Maureen Funny Status Messages

   Why has no one invented a device where I can move myself around from place to place while lying in a hammock? I remember when we used to make stuff in this lazy country!

   will never be an Olympic athlete...but I did participate in a Toyotathon once!

   Just so you know...weather conditions where simultaneously wearing shorts and Uggs is acceptable - NEVER EXIST!

   turns out I don't know the back of my hand as well as I thought I did.

   The downside of being tolerant is all the stuff you have to tolerate.

   Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Wednesday.

   swears if burn my mouth on ONE MORE PIECE OF PIZZA...I will probably continue to buy and eat pizza for the rest of my life.

   doesn't want to die, but if I have to, I hope to die in a way so spectacular they name a new piece of protective legislation after me.

   As a responsible parent, I like to teach my kids that it's not the person you hate...it's their guts!

   Whenever anyone asks me who I'm on the phone with I say...."Jake, from State Farm!"

   Just saw that I have one unheard message and I didn't even see my phone ring. I hope it's not work-related or Mel Gibson!

   can't understand why Victoria's Secret incorrectly refers to these "wine-drinking, recliner pants" I'm wearing as "yoga pants."

   Not all that glitters is gold. Take, for instance, glitter.

   Let me put things into perspective for you....persp(things)ective....​you're welcome!

   The side effects of the medicine I just took include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   makes a mean cup of coffee! This one just told me I'm not as funny as I think I am.

   Before you judge Mitt Romney, try walking a mile in his backyard.

   freely admits that I don't know how to play Minesweeper - I just click random boxes hoping I'm right.

   hurt my leg while sleeping last night in case you're wondering how I'd do running a marathon.

   Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel - instead of send.