Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm not sure what colon hydrotherapy is....... But I AM sure I don't need a Groupon for that..

   BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.

   Somehow,, We've got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.

   Hmmm,,,, Tell me more about this "victim" role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.

   I’m the world record holder for the most arguments won against a woman................................................. 1 to be exact

   Pro Tip: Wear two eye patches,, so people know you're serious about being a pirate.

   Hey Jonah,,, Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.

   Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don't want to attract any attention.

   If this van's a rockin'?,,, the front wheel must have come off the cinder block... Just knock on the trailer door, someone's usually home

   IKEA has the BEST horse d'oeuvres.

   Either that milk was bad,,,,, Or they don't actually make onion Chobani flavored Captain Crunch

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   Sorry,, But that last like I gave you, contained traces of horsemeat.

   Before Chris Brown did a concert with them,,, they were just known as "The Peas".

   I ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex..... Now birds keep crashing into my armpits

   I love this oscillating fan 5 out of every 15 seconds

   Give a man a fish, And he'll eat for a day,,, turn a man into a fish, and I have NO IDEA I DIDNT EXPECT THAT TO WORK, KEEP SWIMMING GEORGE!! HOLD ON!?

   But Officer,,,, I was in the Gifted & Talented program, and I need to move at my own pace.

   If you love something, set it free... Maybe not sharks though, Or bees. Or viruses, Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.

   I’m texting “I’m going to keep the baby” to random numbers until someone replies