Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The US beat Canada at hockey this week... In retaliation, a new Nickelback album will be unleashed.. We brought this upon ourselves America.

   FYI: Don't eat the gray cotton candy that comes out of that slot in the dryer

   My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.

   I'm confused,, I just got a Chinese lantern with the label "Warning: For outdoors and indoors use only".

   Women are NOT difficult to understand.................. They're impossible to understand.

   FYI: Every year the Justice League puts kryptonite candles on Superman's birthday cake,, just to fool him into thinking he's getting too old..

   I love walking with my wife on the beach,, until the ambien wears off and I'm just dragging a mannequin around the Wal-Mart parking lot.

   Micheal J. Fox and Muhammad Ali met for the first time yesterday........ And yes,, They are Still shaking hands..

   Almost a 1000 posts, And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.. Well, It's not really a t-shirt, more of a hospital gown. And this afternoon, I get to go for a supervised walk.

   What's 100 ft long and has 20 teeth?.................... The funnel cake line at the Maine State Fair.

   "I'll need a table for 5 and napkins for 70.".... -- Me, with my wife and kids entering any restaurant--

   COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?... ME: Cause you got beat up in High School??.. COP: ???... ME: Cause you got beat up in High School,,, Sir?

   I just rubbed my cat back and forth on the carpet for 10 minutes,,, and now he can shoot lightning bolts out of his mouth.

   OKAY!!! OKAY!!!...... We're prepared to meet ALL your demands!.................. Just put the sharpie on the floor, and kick it over to daddy.... Please, for the love of God,, Please?

   Tip: If you are ever involved in a murder and have to hide the body, don't hide it in the last spot they'll look,,, hide it in the spot after that

   My dad gets to Bing by searching for it with Google!................... ( That is ALL you need to know )

   Accidentally hit the panic/alarm button on the car key and promptly panicked.......... So, it works.

   FYI: Donkeys just call them hats.

   If a guy ever gave birth to a baby,,, I would pay him $1000000 to go on TV and tell the world "meh,,, it hurt,, but not like that much"

   Hey,,, I used to play bass for "50 cent" when he was known as "two dimes and a nickle"