Snotty Funny Status Messages

   La, la, la,,♫♪♫,,,,,,I have a structured settlement, but I need crap now....

   "I'm just sayin. It'd be better without the raisins." ------[ Everything with raisins ]

   Pay attention to me boy,,,, Now if something looks like crap,, smells like crap,, and tastes like crap,, You should have stopped at just smelling it.

   I don't care if saying this hurts my reputation:..... The Westboro Baptist Church's tactics are not the best.

   I'm a heavy sleeper... Also, a heavy awaker... Okay, I'm fat.

   I'm watching that episode of The Cosby Show where Theo poisons Rudy because he's jealous of her moustache

   Hey Canada,,, Are you sure those were YOUR geese?.. They weren't as polite and well mannered as I would expect

   The human body is amazingly intricate,, and astonishingly beautiful,, for a turd factory

   Hey look, Grandma!.. You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again....

   Truthfully, my resume should state,, "when I feel like it" after every skill listed.

   All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of Lay's potato chips.

   When I burn something in the oven, I just get my guitar out and pretend it's a smoke machine

   Hi spider. Nice spider.... Let me pet you, WITH MY SHOE!.... Haha spider,,, Dead spider..."

   WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!.............. "Grandma, that's Niki Minaj."

   There is no "we" in chocolate.

   You people freak me out talking about stalking. Especially you.... sitting there in your blue & white striped polo shirt reading that book on your couch.

   If you can fold a fitted sheet, you're obviously a witch

   I'm in my underwear on the porch in a rocking chair drinking my coffee................. Man,, Is this Cracker Barrel packed this morning or what?

   Just so you know the new rules to CPR,,,, there's no more blowing, just pumping,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I know,, It's like the romance is gone

   Sorry I just woke up from a coma,,, and OH MAYA GOD,,, They got the date wrong