Snotty Funny Status Messages

   How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?

   The wife says, "Tolerate" would definately be includued in any 2nd wedding marriage vows,,,

   Just ordered 78 copies of "Hoarders: Season One" on Amazon

   I hope everyone stocked up on water and flashlights! This y2k thing sounds terrifying!.. I just read all about it in my doctors office.

   People always say moth balls have a very distinguishable smell... but I can never get their little legs apart

   Roman Numerals? What are they good IV? Absolutely nothing..

   I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

   Guys... Controlling your woman when she is mad is easy... Just tell her she's overreacting. She will then realize you're right and calm right down.

   I kissed with an ohmless girl last night............. There was very little resistance

   I don't mean to brag... but I'm a pretty damn formidable peek-a-boo opponent

   Shutting off your phone is the new walking out of the room

   Throw a surprise party for your town psychic and destroy his reputation

   I took two foreign languages in high school,,,, Spanish and math.

   I've actually done 36 Ninja posts today but nobody's seen them.

   Look, I'm not saying you’re gay,, I'm saying I've never seen you and gay in the same room at once...

   Well,,, You don’t see as many people in the third world with a ‘slow metabolism’??,,,, do ya!

   If maxi pad commercials didn't exist,,, Men Still would have no idea, that girls are full of blue windshield wiper fluid.

   It's spooky how many kids look like their owners

   I've set aside 2013 for software updates.

   Hoarders have feelings too, you know,,,,,,,,,, They're around here somewhere,,, (moves empty pizza boxes around)