Baddie Funny Status Messages

   A good rule of thumb is to take the amount of trust you have in someone's knowledge and decrease it by 15% for each tooth they're missing.

   A young boy comes home from school one day and says, "Mommy! What's a lesbian?" She replied, "Ask your father when she gets home!"

   5 years ago I met my wife, the love of my life and my baby momma. It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

   Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don't you ever smile in my pictures?

   I wish more people were fluent in silence.

   Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.

   Sorry I confused sexual tension with regular tension and got us both fired.

   You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"

   Sorry I spilled beer on your baby.

   HER: This is an emergency, so its women and children first! ME: Lady, it's just a breakfast buffet...

   I swallowed my pride once and it tasted like Vodka.

   I find it curious that Kermit sings about how hard it is being green but nothing about screwing a pig.

   Justin Bieber has grown a mustache. His transformation into a teenage mexican girl is now complete.

   Still trying to figure out how that guy with a neck tattoo in that p orn I watched earlier got employed at a law firm.

   My wife's safe word is: we have 5 kids

   I don't want to sound like an alarmist, but I just saw Karma buying a 15 inch strap-on.

   Women are like belts; If it's not tight enough, move it to another hole.

   Ladies stop worrying about the quickest way to a mans heart and just give him a blow job already.

   You call it stalking, I call it stalking. SEE HOW MUCH WE HAVE IN COMMON WHY WON'T YOU LET ME LOVE YOU

   "Got any drugs or alcohol on you?" "yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"