Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Bucket list #33: Get a mouse dressed as a pirate to sit on your shoulder while you hand out Christmas gifts,, Also he should pretend to steer you holding a potato-chip.

   I just robbed everyone at a Whole Foods Market and I was armed with nothing but a bag of gluten

   What time do we take our kids door to door for presents?

   FYI: Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first..........Geesh

   You can tell a lot about a person by making vast assumptions.

   I'm re-enacting Titanic today, I'm at the part where Jack is in his underwear on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

   Only 10 days until Facebook is stacked with return to the gym statuses and pictures of salads.

   So, This 83 year old drives into a bar...

   I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.

   For your information, we'll be remembered as the generation who thought a fat Korean pretending to ride a horse was entertaining to look at.

   So, I hear there was a big party last night to watch Justin Bieber's balls drop.

   I put my pants on just like every other man... With my woman telling me I'm doing it all wrong.

   "I'm still writing 2012 on all my Czechs." -Guy who likes writing on people from Central Europe

   Hey, After dealing with my ex for as long as I have these Ikea instructions are a piece of cake...

   Can we please go back to the main menu of life? I think I accidentally chose "Extremely Hard".

   A wise man once said........................... nothing,,, He just let her vent

   My doctor is getting REALLY tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.

   "No, no no. Not you two.. I need you two to stay here and man the fort." ~ Noah to his Wooly Mammoths

   Imagine being a midget at Subway and not knowing what they're putting on your sandwich.

   Hey,, I'm from Maine... Of course we can bring in real pelts to our "Build-a-Bear Workshop"...