Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I just told a girl I loved her. Well, I didn't actually say it. And it wasn't actually a girl. Ok, fine, I was eating a Pizza and moaned a little.

   Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you'll finally have 2 kids by the same father."

   Having just watched Kim Kardashian in Tyler Perry’s Temptations, I have come to the conclusion that her sex tape is the closest she should have been allowed to acting. Damn you Tyler Perry.

   Liverpool top of the league. Russia and US on a war footing. New Paul McCartney single. What is this, 1989?

   If you open Internet Explorer and listen carefully, you can hear the computer whisper “Kill me now, please!!.”

   I don't objectify women but I do womanify objects. Namely this sexy ass toaster over here. Hey, girl.

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

   People who own tampon companies have no conscience. How do they sleep at night, with all that blood money?

   I like to keep my enemies at bay. Guantanamo to be exact.

   If hangovers were a band, they'd be Nickelback.

   It's not my fault you thought I was normal.

   I'm sick of closing out every job interview with "I was young. I needed the money."

   I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad but then I realized it was my ex.

   Girls who say "thongs are more comfortable than regular panties" know that all men hear is, "I like things in my butt."

   Ladies,there's something called "you can't get pregnant through the mouth".

   I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.

   "I'm not usually like this", I whisper as I lie on the floor in the fetal position, at a job interview.

   It's amazing how fast you can get drunk when you hate everyone around you.

   Do ugly people know they don’t really have to use their real photos as their profile pics?

   I don't understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?