Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I go to the Doctor daily,,,,,,,,, Cuz I just couldn't stand having to eat anymore apples

   "Lincoln" is doing well in the theatres... Historically this has not been true."

   I have a black belt in leather

   I sure do act like I know a lot for someone who falls over 3 or 4 times per week while putting on underwear.

   Well my dentist is getting a stool sample whether he wants one or not.

   NEWS FLASH: Scientists still baffled by Canadians' ability to watch movies, own guns, and play video games,,, but not shoot each other.

   I asked a Mexican bartender for a double entendre,,, So he gave me Juan.

   I despise dictatorships... All dictators should be shot,,, and if anybody disagrees with me,,, they should be shot as well.

   My coworker, a Jehovah's Witness,, wouldn't attend the Christmas luncheon.. She took her bonus check though,, Maybe she's donating it to her church.

   I know I can go to NAPA to buy truck nuts... But where can I go to get my Prius vajazzled ??

   If you stick a pencil far enough up your nose,, you can actually erase your feelings

   I saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,, I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   Glad to hear we've all been picked up for another season.

   I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup,,, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever.

   "extra cheese" should be the average amount of cheese on everything.

   I tried writing one of those braggy, family Christmas letters,, but it just started looking like a suicide note.

   Walmart.. The only place in America where you can buy a shrimp-ring, a wedding-ring, and tidy-bowl for a toilet ring in the same store.

   I avoid making friends by being honest with people

   1: Turn on vacuum... 2: Fart as loud and long as you can.... 3: Blame smell on junk in vacuum bag.... 4:Twirl invisible handlebar mustache cause you're an evil genius...

   We are going to practice this chest bump celebration until we get it right, Grandma... Quit screwing around at the bottom of the staircase.