Baddie Funny Status Messages

   i know I am ugly but can some girl just take one for the team and go out with me tonight?

   I hate when I order a pizza online & it asks "Do you accept the terms and conditions?" I'm ordering a pizza, not launching a nuclear weapon.

   Dinners not done until the smoke detector says it is.

   Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.

   The best time to tell your girlfriend you've been sleeping with her best friend is when she starts saying things like "not tonight, I have got a headache"

   Some of the most dangerous, poisonous kinds of snakes are hard to identify because they look just like a friend.

   What doesn't kill me, is of no interest to my ex wife.

   It doesn't matter how many times you throw up, what matters is how many times you get up, grab your glass and keep drinking.

   Pretty cool how I lock my phone like I won't check it in a minute.

   Screw foreplay. I start sex the way a SWAT team kicks down a door.

   If you don't want me to sing at your kids then don't name them Roxanne.

   Ladies call me Adobe Updater because every time I pop up they're like ugh not now

   If you can't be with the one you drugged, drug the one you're with.

   Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.

   When a skinny chic asks you if you think she’s gotten fat the best response is to lift her, put her on your shoulder and throw her off a cliff.

   There's nothing to fear but fear itself. And single men who own cats!

   The most awkward conversation must have been between the guy who invented toilet paper and the first person he told about it.

   Somewhere, an innocent and naive couple deeply in love is saying crazy stuff like, "let's have plenty of kids. Nothing will change. How hard can it be?"

   BEER RULE 101: A beer in the hand is better than two in the fridge.

   Apparently my girlfriend has no problem putting my d*ck in her mouth but she won't let me touch her if I don't wash my hands right after I pee coz that's disgusting.