Snotty Funny Status Messages

   What time does facebook close tonight?

   Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk.. Unless you're crossing the border.. Then don't do that

   Even though God is my co-pilot..... He also, is on the "no-fly" list.. Thanks Sadly, to His ties to several extremist groups..... You jerks

   You know It's not really an "American Girl Doll ®" without cuts on it's arms, a teen pregnancy, or an eating disorder.

   The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man's ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.

   Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day... Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV,,, and you can sleep for an extra hour.

   anybody gonna mention the fact that the Mayans couldn't even predict the Spanish coming?

   Attention Lobsters & Crabs with one super buff claw,,, Please consider working out with the other one sometimes.. You look pretty dumb OK

   If you have a hunting license,, it's TOTALLY legal to shoot cars with antlers on them.

   My ex got run over by a bus today,,,,, I thought, "WOW,That could have been me!"...... But then again , I don't have a bus drivers license.

   You're supposed to wash asparagus before throwing it away,,, right?

   You seem crazy,,,, But let's buy tambourines and see how far we can take this...

   Gonna call Suze Orman and ask if I can afford to build a Deathstar.

   Just paid 2 dollars in quarters to put air in my tire... This inflation is out of control.

   Hey know what's more fun than a baby who has just learned to take off his own diaper?.......... everything...........everything is more fun than that

   Every Maine-ah,,, at the age of 10 has to battle a moose to the death, using only the aid of 4 beavers...

   It's ok if you don't like my personality,,, I've got others.

   Depressed from all the bad news? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.

   If I'm ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works.

   The words synonym and antonym are antonyms.. Well played, antonym......... Well played