Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wore matching bra n panties for this?

   No, of course I don't find it weird you brought your cat as a date

   Hey girl, are you Pepsi? Because you're always my second option.

   I'm so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.

   Once upon a time, I used to care what people said about me.

   People that are happy, keep that sh*t between you and your drug dealer, no one else cares

   Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day. Decisions like "Which children's toy is giving up its batteries for mommy?"

   Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" quickly became a feminist anthem for women. Probably because it's really upbeat and fun to do the hoovering to

   What would a man have a need for shoes in the first place if he had no feet.. That gets an X for not funny

   A recent scientific study, has revealed a bunch of crap I don't understand.

   Pro driving tip: Look in your rear view mirror. If there's a long line of traffic behind you but no one in front of you, you're an ass.

   I like my sushi cooked medium rare,,,, and made from a cow.

   **TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.

   All the clowns hated the one female clown because it took forever to get everyone in and out of the car every 30 minutes for her to pee.

   This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,,, but I’d never met herbivore.... *gets pulled off the stage by a giant cane*

   Forget everything you know about amnesia.

   Does the Spanish version of Match.com say "Find the Juan for you."?

   Why is it that in a movie, the good guy can take on three bad guys and get a hell of a beat down without batting an eye, but in the next scene he will wince when the woman tries to dress his wounds?

   Have you ever wondered how long it would take for a giraffe to throw up?

   According to the Body Mass Index chart, I'm too short.