Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I cant wait till I am old and I go up to my grandkids and be like. Did you know that back in my day Eevee only had three evolutions. And they be like, Shut uo grandpa no one plays Pokemon anymore..

   Everyone is going to places like Italy, Las Vegas, Cancun and to Europe for vacation and I am just here like, Hey there, bed. You look really nice tonight.

   Mayweather just made $41 million for a workout. Life is so unfair.

   When you're driving to work on Monday morning just remember that Floyd Mayweather made 41 million dollars tonight.

   On a scale of J ew to Floyd Mayweather, How much do you love money?

   Justin Bieber probably payed Mayweather to walk next to him.

   I'd give Floyd Mayweather another $75 if he turned around and knocked Justin Bieber clean out of the ring.

   Seems like people waiting for Mayweather to lose a fight will have to wait a little bit longer, that is if they don't die of old age first.

   it normal to vomit every time you imagine having sex with someone? Asking for myself.

   Huck this is an intervention "ok to who's wedding" no thats an invitation "aliens?!" thats an invasion "how--" HUCK YOU NEED TO GET A DICTIONARY

   Next time you cuddle your cat, remember that her inner monologue is "You know if you died I'd eat your eyes, right?"

   BREAKING: Study shows several boys not brought to the yard, despite allure of milkshake.

   The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.

   Be careful when you're watching a movie with your wife. You're gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.

   or the millionth time, yes Pandora, I'm still listening. What are you my wife?

   After 39 years, I’ve perfected acting interested in reading a birthday card after the money falls out.

   can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I'm still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.

   It's almost 24 years later and so far the magic still hasn't gone out of my divorce

   I don't care how awesome your cat is, you're just someone with a box full of $hit in your house.

   Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.