Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking: Paula Dean made Riley Cooper a Batch of Fried Chicken to offer support for his Racial slur.

   Why is such a fuss made over this tax-free back to school shopping? If they called it "6% off", would you be flocking to the mall?

   I don't have to thank noone for Friday because its a natural phenomenon controlled by nobody but nature.

   And don't thank your teachers for your grammar skills, either.

   I'm single by choice. Too bad the choice wasn't mine.

   "It's time to go home" - my phone's battery

   She said she can't resist a guy in uniform, so I put in my résumé to Burger King. and now I wait.

   Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.

   You know you are hanging with the right person when it feels easy and comfortable.

   Ladies; Please note that men don't respond to words, they respond to silence

   If she's easy to be around, you have been friend zoned...

   Telling a woman she looks tired is like slapping a lion in the face under the assumption that you're walking away intact.

   If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh*t works with bears and they're almost as dangerous as angry women.

   Men are complicated creatures. Some admire the buttocks, others prefer breasts and a select few pt for the d*ck.

   Whenever my son asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there's kids his age in China making iPhones.

   Quitting facebook has made it very difficult to stay in touch with all my fake friends.

   Marrying your high school sweetheart is gross.

   Women are selfish. Why do you want me to make you feel like the luckiest girl in the world? Why not just make you one of the billion luckiest girls in the world?

   I know that my boss is impressed that I can work and stare at my phone at the same time. He just doesn't show it well.

   I'm actually a nice guy once you get to kill me.