Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Getting a cavity filled tomorrow... Geesh, I hate going to the airport

   It must suck to have just one arm.... Until you get arrested.

   Bartender says "we don't serve time travelers here".... Two time travelers walk into a bar.

   Sorry,,,, My dog ate my homework. -Culinary student.

   Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome............................. Take your time,,, I'll wait

   Your mother nodding solemnly on Antiques Roadshow as the appraiser explains that the ashtray you made for her in 1st grade is absolute crap...

   Don't you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the whole time?

   I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential...

   The wife held eye contact with me as she released a long fart,,,,, if you're wondering what a couple of 20 yrs does after the kid's in bed.

   DID YOU KNOW : They automatically qualify you for AARP if you provide an " AOL" email address

   You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

   Wife: every time we argue, you think you're right.... Me: yes, if I thought you were right, we wouldn't be arguing...

   My favorite thing about Basketball is when it's Football.

   I know what I'm getting all my Mayan friends for Christmas!

   My latest superpower is waking up one minute before my alarm goes off..... It's actually a very stupid superpower.

   I just KNOW this fly is up to something,,,, I see him sittin there, rubbing his arms together.... Plotting

   Hey,,, That's a cool race car bed,, kid.. Maybe someday you can be like me and sleep in a real car...

   Can dogs have onion?... Cause I gave my dog an onion four years ago,,, and now my internet's acting up

   How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words

   Good thing my car has cruise control because I'm feeling pretty sleepy.