Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When God created marriage, man said "cool, steady poon" and God replied "right...the yoke's on you..."

   You can not argue with a drunk woman, and you can not argue with a sober woman....Figure that one out guys.

   My suicide note will probably just be my phone left unlocked

   Happy fathers day to the real dads out there....not you sperm donors

   Boy are you my bank statements because you're hilarious

   In honor of Father's Day, I came up with a bourbon and cookie diet that is going to make me so rich... And fat... And drunk... Well, at least two of those

   Kim Kardashian has given birth. No news on how big the litter.

   My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.

   I've been working out so much I'm losing my voice from telling people about it.

   Dear God, Happy Father's Day.

   During this very personal moment in thier lives, Kim and Kanye ask that you honor their request for extra publicity...

   Remember to wish your dad a happy Father's Day, as well as thanking him for not wiping you up in a tissue.

   very sad that fathers only get one day but sharks get a whole week

   If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.

   Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.

   No Hulu, no ads are relevant to me, because I lack the funds to have any purchasing power whatsoever.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.

   The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to a woman. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.

   I would wish my father a Happy Father's Day on Facebook but I blocked him

   happy fathers day dad, I hope you found that pack of cigarettes you left to get a long time ago