Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Wait,,,, If I say something in the woods and my wife is not around to hear it,,, am I still wrong?

   How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?

   And for all of you who are Telepathic...............

   Well... It's taken 3 hours to glue a top hat & cane to this frog but still no "hello my baby, hello my honey" song & dance... Cartoons lie kids

   Well,, It took 40 years to finally figure out the answer to the "what do you want to be when you get older" question..................... Younger

   Hey,,, People who drive old retired cop cars........ NOBODY likes you either.

   What's the largest "Jousting Lance" I can attach to the hood of my car,,,, legally?

   My friend wanted to use my apartment to clone himself,,, I said “Please, make yourself at home”

   I'm very, very, very descriptive

   I don't like using public restrooms,,,, Mostly because I've seen the public.

   Too bad Norman Rockwell isn't around today to paint scenes of people looking down at their smartphones.

   I think I deserve a bunch of "likes" just for deleting all the crap I had in my drafts folder...

   I finally got a new prophetic leg... I'm starting physical therapy on Monday.... Also Courteney Cox dies while parasailing next May...

   I'm finally ready to tell my parents they're gay

   Tuesday on 'Ancient Hoarders' - A concerned Jerusalem couple fights to save their son Noah from his spiraling animal collection.

   It's like my dad always said,,,, "Don't call me Dad."

   According to my Domino's Pizza Tracker,,, It's currently in my lower colon...

   I took a nap... Well, actually I was jumping on the bed and the ceiling fan knocked me unconscious,,,,,,,,,,,,,, But still

   Point.. Wink.. Shoot finger gun.. Blow smoke from tip of finger gun.. Wipe prints off finger gun.. Bury finger gun where no one can find it.

   BREAKING NEWS: Geologists locate mountain high enough... Valley low enough still elusive...