Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mistakes are very fond of me.

   I get it, you're an a$$hole. You don't have to keep proving it to me.

   Obama says Bashar crossed the "red line" after using chemical weapons. So it's ok to kill thousands but don't you dare use chemical weapons.

   I stepped in a big pile of Obama at the dog park this morning.

   Bill Clinton has been acting funny ever since Michael Douglas made that oral sex comment.

   Dear spelling and grammer Nazis I'm righting this hear to distroy your intire day. May korekting this update be the only thing you thinc of the hole weakend. Sinsyearly, Me

   If Iron Man and Man of Steel were to team up, they'd be powerful alloys.

   I'm bored. Maybe I should leave the house and check Facebook from somewhere else.

   I like to add tension to a conference call with a surprise toilet flush.

   Are you a man who feels confident about his opinions? Has a high self-esteem? Well I think it's time to get you a woman.

   Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

   Make her feel like she's the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

   I always make sure the music is loud when I'm having sex so I don't get to hear her say ''THAT'S NOT 9 INCHES!!!''

   Single people have 6 priorities: 1) Convince yourself you're happy. 2) Convince your girl or boyfriend you're happy. 3) Convince friends you're happy. 4) Convince workmates you’re happy 5) Convince relatives you’re happy 6) Convince neighbors you’re

   My Dad said if I get 1000 likes, my dog will come back to life!

   "Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook!

   The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to his wife or girlfriend. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.

   I polled 100 women on what their favourite shampoo was. The response was all the same..."How did you get into my bathroom?!??!?"

   Being born gaa why is the dumbest statement. You barely know how to walk but you already figured out your sex ual preference??? Fohhhhh

   I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can double park anywhere.