Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro tip: On Canadian Wheel of Fortune,,, ALWAYS buy the letter 'eh'.

   When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think “They’re killing my family, and I’ll have to fight the attacker naked…”

   Whenever I want a Klondike bar I just pay for it

   Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming

   I used to think the first line in the Australian national anthem was "Australians all eat ostriches" but then realised, it would make more sense if it was emus

   Dear people who keep referring back to the good old days, why don't you stop using toilet paper and revert back to leaves so we can know your days were all that

   Dilemma: The person next to you needs the heimlich maneuver but you have an erection

   God talked to J ews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.

   Guarantee yourself a great day, by leaving me the hell alone.

   If you have a crime in mind, today's the day to do it...Happy national donut day!

   Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person's life takes serious commitment.

   She divorced you because you didnde F**k her hard enough

   here's to the guys who see the girl of their dreams go after the wrong type of guys

   TO THE GOVERNMENT AGENTS WHO'VE BEEN ILLEGALLY MONITORING OUR TEXTS, ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THIS: Was that message I sent Ashley too forward?

   If you watch the Godfather backwards it's about a bunch of guys that come back from the dead and then go to a wedding

   Hey Obama … I just took a leak, but I didn't have my phone with me. Thought you'd like to know.

   "I want you to come inside me." - Buildings

   Being single sucks when you know exactly who you want.

   When you mess up a guy’s hair, he thinks it’s cute, but when you mess up a girl’s hair, just hope you’re wearing something bulletproof.

   Marriage is like a public toilet.Those waiting outside are desperate to get in.Those inside are desperate to get out