Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I've been thinking." - Women, right before sh*t gets real.

   Always hide your liquor from your boss, that way you never have to worry about...sharing.

   If money can't buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

   It's so romantic that you didn't press charges.

   You guys, how can true love still exist if we don't have mixed tapes anymore?

   I can't tell if the vegetarians upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

   It is Scientifically proven that you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blow job

   Advice is sh*t you'd tell your friends but never do yourself.

   Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

   If you think my relationships are unhealthy.... You should see my diet.

   There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar

   I love pillow talk as much as the next guy but saying "Put your needle in my haystack" isn't exactly a confidence builder.

   Beware the OCD Mafia - They're into REALLY organized crime

   You know....I once dated an amputee....She single-handedly changed my life.

   I’ll be eating a dozen donuts throughout today to celebrate the National Donut Day, or as I call it, “every other day”

   We should cease calling them ski masks, because really only robbers wear them.

   We cannot allow gays to get married, it would threaten the sanctity of our high divorce rate.

   Wanted GF. A girl with good cooking skills and a jet ski, please show pic of jet ski.

   Obviously this cat thinks I won't punch a cat

   I know I'm supposed to be outraged about this whole NSA phone tapping scandal, but I've got to admit, its a little refreshing that after a decade of marriage, someone is finally listening to me.