Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Million dollar idea: Combine a vacuum and a Segway.

   If husbands get riding lawn mowers why haven't they invented the riding vacuum? I have just as much carpet as we do yard. He tells me we have too much yard for a push mower so it only stands to reason that we have to much carpet for me to push vacuum! RIG

   Dear Vegetarians, if you really want to save the animals then stop eating their food...

   I don't understand why people spend so much money on dieting when you can just get lost for 3 weeks in a forest for free

   Hey black guy with the geek hipster glasses, say hello to the white guy with dreadlocks.

   If love had a smell, it would smell like pizza & puppy breath.

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a constipated muppet trying to list off active ingredients in Children’s Tylenol.

   sarc my second favorite asm

   This bar is the perfect rest stop during the long walk home from the liquor store.

   Unless your name is OXYGEN, I won't die if you ever leave me.

   Look, I don’t even trust myself so explain to me why in the hell I should trust you?

   I'm confused, why does the Gangnam Style guy want to launch a nuclear attack on the US?

   We fear that which we do not understand. And spiders.

   Why don't the post office get the Jehovah's Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.

   The problem with the general public is that it's made up of people.

   You're not damaged goods, but there is a clearance sticker on your back

   I want to start a new liquor company and call it "Responsibly". Free advertising since all liquor companies advise you to drink it, and you don't need to feel guilt because you're drinking Responsibly!

   When I can't fall asleep, instead of counting sheep, I count all the people I have disappointed.

   My Crocs say I'm always down for a good time but my fanny pack lets you know I'm prepared for anything.

   If you Google the words 'Zerg Rush'...google will Eat the screen.