Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fellas; For every minute you spend 'down there,' I'll donate a dollar to Michael Douglas' Throat Cancer Research Fund.

   We cannot allow gays to marry! It would destroy the sanctity of our prestigious divorce rate.

   why drunk showers are a bad idea: almost accidentally waterboarded myself. moral of the story: use the buddy system.

   You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic

   There's nothing I hate more than joggers on the beach. I don't need to be reminded how out of shape I am on vacation a $$hole.

   The best thing about being productive is going to bed knowing you did something. Or I think that's how productive people feel. I don't know.

   Relationships should be like flying... You should only be allowed one carry-on and all other baggage should be checked at the door...

   No one's gonna die if their boyfriend or girlfriend leaves them. Remember, it's a relationship, not a lung.

   When I was your age I was raising Pokemon, not babies

   100% of non smokers die

   Turns all electronic devices off and lives happily ever after...

   Before Faceb00k I hated waiting rooms. Now I'm like, sit in one spot for an hour? Yes, please

   You have not experienced crazy until you experience NYC crazy. A man just tried to sell me a book he wrote called Don't beat your kids or they are going to turn out like me. Lol

   Tropical Storm 2013 Tip: To avoid lacerations while looting, be sure to wear puncture-resistant silicone oven mitts when crowbarring shop windows.....

   What do bricks and ug-ly f@t girls have in common? They both get l@id by Mexicans.

   I'd rather live each day as if it's my 2nd to last day. My last day will probably involve a lot of blood and I'm a little bit squeamish.

   I get my kicks below the waistline, sunshine,,, because that's where my legs are, and I'm pretty sure you need those for kicking.

   100% of non smokers die, just not as poor as the ones who pay 5.51$ a pack.

   11 year old kids making Facebook accounts. What the hell are you gonna post about? 'Just got the new 64 Crayola pack......with the sharpener!'

   You would think with all the money Dora has, she could buy a GPS instead of relying on "the map"