Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dudes block their girl on twitter thinking she can't see his tweets. That profile with 3 tweets that just followed you, guess who that is.

   My application to be a cop was denied. They said my 4 incher would initimadate the other cops.

   I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.

   Everytime I leave the house: ✔Phone ✔Wallet ✔Keys.

   Corrections its Every time I leave the house: ✔Phone ✔Wallet ✔Keys ✔extra phone battery and ✔Battery Charger

   Whenever I say the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with pie!

   Florida....Where America goes to die.

   Need to get up early tomorrow so I've set my neighbor's leaf blower for 6 a.m.

   I started training for a .00001K run coming up 2 years from now. It's going to be hell, but I think I can do it.

   any non-drinkers wanna trade a liver for some really good stories??

   I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can't any more. My phone battery just doesn't have the stamina any more.

   I'm at my most likable before you get to know me.

   I find it odd that people say they are poor yet all family members have smart phones,laptops, hundreds channels on TV. Game consoles..

   "Done that, done that, done that, done that & that & that" = Me, flipping through 50 Shades Of Grey.

   Fanny packs- still better baggage than you carry.

   ironic that due to all the steroids, A Rod doesn't have the stones to admit he did steroids...

   ironic that due to all the steroids, A Rod doesn't have the stones to admit he did steroids...

   Oh well, a friend just tried to send ricin via email!!!! He never was the brightest color in the crayon box!!

   I had a Doc telll me I had a fatty liver. How rude! Now I always ask my Wife: "Honey, do these jeans make my liver look fat?"

   I hate when women reject me cause I don't have money. I want them to reject me for who I truly am