Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   McDonalds Golden Arches is kind of like Batman's Bat-Signal for fat people....

   balloons are so weird. "happy birthday, here's a rubber sack of my breath."

   seems like they'd have an app for the smart phones & tablets where you can just write down important things for the ppl that forget stuff.....on the ipad & iphone they can call it "iforget"

   in my next relationship, I'm going to pretend I'm deaf...

   Starbucks is banning smoking within 25 feet of its stores. It's tricky since every Starbucks is 25 feet from another Starbucks.

   Most Facebook updates should be like this: Hi everybody, I didn't have anything meaningful to tell you. I just wanted to waste your time.

   Some of the greatest relationship tips come from watching CSI.

   Cigarettes take 50 years to kill you. I'm more worried about the stuff that does it quickly like sharks, lightning, women or flamethrowers.

   I have no tolerance for stupid people because, in most cases, stupidity is voluntary. They made a conscious decision to exist in that state.

   “You guys are jerks for eating those living things. You should eat these living things instead.” - Vegetarians

   news says ,Bcos of Michael Douglas, lots of guys visititing cancer checking centers lol...Thanks, Michael Douglas

   My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I'm over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.

   Now I totally understand why Peter Pan didn't want to grow up!

   I wish my smartphone was smart enough to shout from under the sofa's buttcrack, "I AM HERE!"

   Michael Douglas Has the Perfect Excuse... I have Nothing to say the Cat got My Tongue ..

   Just heard Yoga Pants are being re-designed to be less revealing. I'll be keeping an eye on that.

   My boss just purchase a brand new two door cadillac cash for his 16 yr old soon that just drop out out school last month.I am sitting here thinking about all of the repairs I have to do to my car.

   Apparently Michael Douglas has not heard of Orbitz gum

   Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

   It turns out that men are literally putting their lives on the line just licking a vag, and there are still women who don't swallow.