Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there is anything I learned from 80's movies is that I'm the best around.. and nothings ever gonna keep me down.

   You can check if you are a Highlander or not by saying "There can be only one" and checking to see if all the glass near you breaks.

   If "Bieber fever" is when a Justin Bieber song comes on the radio and you start throwing up and stabbing yourself in he ear, then yes I have had Bieber fever before.

   Pants are for people with something to hide.

   It's pretty cool that evolution knew we'd eventually need pinky fingers to hold our phones.

   The Police will come right away when you tell them your baby is locked in the car. They don't however think it's cute to call your phone baby.

   I'm bringing Tipsy back.

   it rude to shoot yourself in the face when someone's talking?

   On a scale of 1 to Facebook how much of a whiney b*tch are you?

   can we PLEASE stop using the term “beast mode”? Unless you’re running around jungle, naked, stalking and killing animals with your bare hands and eating them raw, you’re NOT a beast, you’re just another douchebag lifting weights in the gym…tha

   There is nothing more frightening than the toilet water rising when you flush it! Especially if you are at someone Else's house!

   Some people don't know anything about women. And those people are men.

   I guess eBay brings out my competitive side........Anyway, this $1,800 can of peas better be good.

   A Mslim stopped me in the street and asked me for my thoughts on Muhammad, Allah and the Qur'an. I said, "He's probably the greatest boxer who ever lived, and I don't give a f*ck what car he drove.

   McDonalds should have a 3rd window... that way you can return or trade the wrong stuff in the bag that you were given from the 2nd window!

   if anyone wants lobster they can eat me

   I have not seen a Hummer on the road in months. Is there some sort of magical Dbag Island that they all went to?

   what I won't do for love......i might do for a klondike bar~!!!

   If I superglued WD-40, what would happen

   Monday,.. that better not be your ugly ass I see peeking around the corner!