Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a tornado touches down in Oklahoma, they issue a PDS Broadcast. PDS must mean 'Pretty Damn Scary'

   My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"

   Bit%h If We Break Up... I'm Changing My Netflix Password ... You Ain't Bouta Be Cuddled Up With Anotha Guy On My $8 a Month

   Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

   Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up.

   “Who is this I just got a new phone?” Really means I didn’t bother to store your number because you aren’t that important.

   Dear Fellow Americans, we need to stop making stupid people famous.

   Girls who pretend to act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a brick.

   Girls have periods, cramps, babies, and everything else. The least a guy could do is text her first

   Overprotective parents raise the best liars.

   I used to be a people person......but people fckued that all up...

   I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser ツ

   Happy Hurricane Season!!

   Move away from the coffee pot and no one gets hurt.

   How to murder someone: tell them you love them so much, and then go on to forget about their existence.

   what ever happened to that girl group 3T?

   Michael J. Fox has friended and unfriended me 45 times in the last 30 seconds.

   5 out of 6 people really enjoy Russian roulette.

   not all handsome guys have girlfriends. some of them had boyfriends.

   I'm not like, a tornado expert or nothing, but if you see one, the general idea is that you run AWAY from it? Storm chasers are suicidal....