Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   RELIGION: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

   Kim and Kanye turn to each other, nod, and smile as the baby comes out immediately crying in auto-tune.

   This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I'm not your boyfriend.

   En Vogue was so right. I'm never gonna get it.

   What Meatloaf wouldn't do for love, I'd probably do for a Klondike bar.

   From the way these other drivers are acting you'd think they've never seen a lady make a right turn from the left lane.

   If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

   The fat guy at the bar with the pony tail and Metallica t-shirt has a gf, so I'll probably kill myself if I don't get laid tonight

   The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.

   When I see names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.

   If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.

   I was thinking "how are they going to make a movie with Grumpy Cat, she only has one emotion" but I guess if Kristen Stewart can do it...

   my kids hit me up for money like a pinata

   Fact: You're not a true vegan unless you tell 10 people every day

   All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don't subject an innocent cat to a life with you.

   A pregnancy test that also tells who the father is. But instead of a stick, you pee on Maury Povich. Don't worry, he's into it. TRUST ME

   I think people should start adding carnivore to their bio, like vegetarians do. That way we're all clear on everyone's daily meal plan.

   when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

   A bottle of wine and I still have feelings. Time for whiskey.

   My wife hates sex but I am so glad her best friend doesn't