Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   loves dating defense attorneys because they are incredibly good at getting guys off.

   Penguins probably never get invited to Pig Roasts or other cool parties because they're always dressed so formal.

   sometimes I can't figure out if I'm in preschool or high school oh wait I'm at work

   My friend told me, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." So I hit him with a dictionary on his head - that showed him.

   How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?

   It takes 17 muscles to smile but it only takes 1 finger to show the world how you feel.

   My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number..... Big shout out to the ex,, for pissing in my gene pool.

   Me: Do you want some more toast?... 6yr old: Yes... ME: Yes what?... 6yr old: ???... Me: What’s the magic word?... 6yr old: Abracadabra?

   The next time you get a call from a blocked or unknown number.....Answer it and whisper "It's done, but there's blood everywhere". Then hang up.

   Next time someone calls you from a blocked pick up the phone and say "It's done but there is blood everywhere " then hang up

   Don't worry Adam Levine, most people hate your country also. It's not only you.

   Every fortune cookie should have the phone number of a gym inside it.

   I think a Dog & Pony Show sounds delightful, but people always use that phrase in a negative context.

   Jesus take the wheel! No, seriously, all these signs are in Spanish and I can't read them!

   If my dead body is ever discovered in a church building, please know that I was murdered somewhere else and then dumped in there.

   I love science too. But not enough to warrant profanity.

   Stubbing your toe is only a lightswitch away.

   I would really appreciate it if Karma came with an explanatory note reminding you what you did to deserve it.

   I'll never forget where I was the first time a girl called me 'Sir'.

   My idea of the perfect workout is not working out.