Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm always right. And when I'm not, I edit Wikipedia.

   I'm curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they're taking it out of their cars too?

   Just tried to change my password to 'Twilight,' but Facebook wouldn't let me. Said there's too many useless characters.

   Need an Ark?, I Noah Guy. 

   Objects in rear feel bigger than they appear

   Right now I'm going through a Chex-mix phase, so I guess you can call me "Chexually active".

   Judging off of the taste of Special K cereal, I can only imagine how terrible Normal K cereal must taste.

   "Oh No!" "I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there are doctors everywhere!"

   a ventriloquist. I can put my hand up your skirt and make your lips move!

   Every wife is a "Mistress" for her husband. "Miss" for one hour and "Stress" for the 23 hours.

   Women are having sex? Oh geez, I need to tell my wife.

   I always practice safe sex. When I am done, I deflate her and put her in the safe. I don't want my cleaning lady finding it.

   You know you've made a mistake when you accept a friend request from someone, look at their page, then notice it says you have "27 Mutual Victims."

   Kids are cute until they start using drugs

   Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

   Hunny... You dont speak a lick of English.. But you repeated my coffee order perfectly! Will you marry me!

   What do Atheists and Vegans have in common? They never shut up about their lifestyle.

   Shut your legs love, I can smell your issues from over here.

   If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

   Come with me, I know a shortcut.