Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was driving the other day and I didn't stop at a stop sign, A police car pulled me over and a police man got out and asked "Did you see that stop sign?" Apparently I shouldn't have said "Yeah, but I didn't see you."

   Nothing like seeing 30+ year old wearing a cap backwards to remind you that your life doesn’t suck that much.

   If you don’t go down on your girl. Stop being worried if she’s cheating on you or not. She is.

   When a woman says she’s speechless, free up 8 hours in your day because she’s about to say a lot.

   My browser just told me it blocked a pop up and I gave it a cookie.

   I don’t understand what this pen was doing in my pocket but it looks like it enjoyed itself, it even came.

   Just seen an ass so big, it probably has its own heart.

   Nothing like watching a Nicholas Cage movie to remind you that your life could be worse, you could be Nicholas Cage.

   I used to think a sex change is what a hooker gives you back when you pay using a 100 dollar bill.

   Studies conclude that labs cause cancer in rats.

   Can God start making Vegetarians green in color so they don’t have to keep telling everyone they eat plants.

   Life is a terminal illness. Nobody gets out of here alive.

   My cat just accidentally walked on my laptop keyboard and got me an online degree in the process.

   When I'm in the shower, why does every noise sound like my phone?

   I really dont understand why I’m still a virgin when I have never watched any Twilight Movie or bought any Justin Bieber Album in my whole life.

   Newton's 3rd Law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction

   To the virgin bellow; Maybe its those crocs you wear.

   I saw this guy using a flip cell phone, just like the one Lincoln used

   Lysdexicia at meeting 8pm sharp today.

   I did not pass my gun safety class, so I can only carry at night.