Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You text me, I respond in 15 seconds, then apparently you die of excitement because 2 hours later I'm still waiting for a response

   We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than a fat person.

   I've got some terrible news: MSN

   Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you’re so damn funny.

   I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."

   im in a same sex marraige every night its the same sex

   I know you were very attractive 30 years ago but that is history now.

   The high school girls down the street playing basketball in their shorty shorts look like they need a 37 year old referee in sweatpants.

   A headache is just a thought running around your brain wearing stilettos.

   Two's company, three sounds like fun.

   Guys who come to work smiling, congrats on your morning beejay.

   I always break up with someone in the rain, because I'm a hopeless romantic at heart.

   has been sitting on this fence trying to decide which side is greener and the only conclusion I have made is this fence is hard and it makes my butt hurt

   Just dropped a cigarette between my car seat & the console & now I know what Courtney Love feels like when she's trying to find a good vein.

   Ladies you don't sing better in the shower. It still sounds like sh*t, but you're naked so we tolerate it.

   Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.

   I've found many African Americans are against gay marriage, which is sad but I guess it makes sense. I mean who wants two deadbeat dads?

   I had a dream last night that I went back in time and instead of warning everyone about 9/11 I just talked about how cool smart phones are.

   I just got an email with the subject line "Whales are counting on you". I responded "Whales are making a serious mistake"

   If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear.