Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

   Lampposts and hydrants are basically Facebook for dogs.

   "Dad, how did you fall in love with mom?" "Well, son, long story short I saw her picture on Instagram and it was love at first...filter."

   Make sure you love each other for your pleasant personalities coz when the looks are gone its what you will have to live with for the rest of your lives.

   My favorite food is knowledge. Unless I’ve been drinking, then it’s p ussy.

   Woman is a question too difficult for men.

   I'm no scientist, but harnessing the power of teen girls talking would probably solve all the world's energy woes.

   Got roses from a vegan. Not sure if they are supposed to be a snack or a decoration. Anyway, they're pretty. Maybe I'll eat just one.

   Home is where the alcohol is.

   Let me win your love so I can earn your hatred.

   You women are beautiful creatures I love you all , but by god you scare the sh*t out of me with the way you feed on souls and happiness.

   Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.

   There's no I in 'meat' but there's ME & EAT....I don't know how vegetarians get past that. Time to BbQ.

   Art Gunfunkel is short for Arthur Garfunkel, and Paul Simon is short for a man.

   I love you all and I am so glad I found you. (me talking to a bag of peanut M & M's I forgot I had

   I swear some girls with big asses think they can get away with murder. You have a huge bass because your face is a car wreck, please behave yourself

   PRO TIP: You can cure most cat allergies,, by putting just a little antifreeze in their water.

   I'm about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com

   Just when I thought I couldn't hate squirrels any more,,, one just ran past me wearing socks w/ sandals.

   Goodbye Memorial Day weekend. Like a fifth of Vodka and a handful of prescription painkillers you made Monday more bearable......