Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel like people who eat breakfast really have their lives together.

   If your girlfriend doesn’t like that bi&ch, you don’t talk to that bi&ch.

   Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government

   I actually Luke autocorrect

   If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.

   Lil wayne looks like a monkey that went into a Tattoo parlor ate the folders of pictures of tattoos and then shat ir out

   Why is it whenever I open a can of evaporated milk, it's still there?

   Don't tell me about struggle! I have to eat my M&M'S without peanuts.

   Kept making the same mistakes in life, so I call them traditions now.

   Your whoroscope says you're gonna get "the herpes"

   Hey Canada,,, This is getting kinda boring, how about you let US be on top for a change?

   Ours was love at first fight.

   it still considered a fart if there's debris?

   My fridge is so full of beer I'm going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.

   Wait, there's a "wrong hole"?

   Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

   Ironically, my sugar daddy has diabetes.

   Hey beautiful. Wanna join me in the shower? Bring your friend too. - me, talking to the beers in my fridge

   My ten year old son is wearing Axe deodorant to school today, so lets hope I'm not a granddad 9 months from now.

   If you're having a bad day, remember that somewhere in the world, someone willingly got a Nickelback tattoo. And they love it.