Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologise to the man at the next urinal.

   I don't trust gorgeous women who are broke.

   For such an advanced civilization, how the hell have we not found a way to stop cigarettes from making you smell like a dragon’s f art?

   If Kim Kardashian gains any more weight she’ll become the world’s 8th continent.

   Ann summers are launching its first range of underwear aimed specifically at the welsh market. The whole range is made entirely from pure wool

   I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I'm impecunious.

   I always get to work late. And since my boss is female, I naturally assume she doesn’t like men who come early.

   Ladies, “how was your day?” is a rhetorical question. You don’t really have to answer it.

   I read that they are allowing Boy Scouts to be gay.... I thought it had always been mandatory that they were gay?

   If you want a woman for sex, just tell her. Don’t lead her on. It’s impolite to toy with a woman’s emotions.

   "Great, another three-day work week. FML!" ~ My Liver.

   I always take a number at the deli, and I've been keeping them.... Eventually I'll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn

   People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Noah was the size of a cat

   I'm sick of having 50 states so I combined some: Michconsin,

   If a fireman's job can go up in smoke, and a plumbers job can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?!

   So if I steal "free" wifi from the local church near my house, does that mean god is sending me a signal?

   If slow-walkers only knew the pain of the fast-walkers trapped behind them, they may just speed it up a little.

   I am the kind of guy who brings a gun to a knife fight.

   Stevie Wonder's housekeepers probably don't do a damn thing all day long.

   Maybe if you tried educating yourself as much as you try getting those abs people will like you more.