Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My fiance and her mom say more in one phone conversation to each other than my dad and I have in my entire life.

   My best friend in Florida won the power 540 million power ball....Okay, I haven't actually met him yet but I am sure we will be the best friends forever.

   Just before I wrecked myself, I had the sense to chickity check myself.

   Sunday morning, somewhere a Pastor practices his sermon face then gives himself a quick wink in the mirror.

   In my car, I control the music. If this is a problem for you, just remember this... your life is in my hands. I am the one who is driving. I can kill us.

   Saw a girl at Starbucks with a duck face. Felt bad because I left my bread crumbs at home.

   It’s cute how some people hide the fact that their uncle inappropriately touched them as kids by starting fights with strangers online.

   I'm in a very serious relationship, we don't even smile.

   I should should just move into a bar. It would save me a lot of time plus I’m always at one anyway.

   Eventually we'll have to explain to our grandchildren how we allowed Gangnam Style to become the most watched video and it won't be easy.

   People with big chins are probably really good at folding towels and blankets.

   Alice on Facebook thinks getting dumped is the most painful thing ever. You’ve never caught you d*ck in your zipper, so shut up, Alice.

   I'm sorry to say, I won't be on Facebook anymore,.....see there's this ticket that I played today, and long story short....I've got to go change my identity now! Bye!

   It’s like Lil Wayne gets a tattoo for every whack song he releases.

   I'm not saying I abused my liver last night, but right now it's sitting under the running water of the shower & crying.

   I'm black but not "ain't nobody got time for that" black.

   In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

   Life is too short to buy a cheap toilet seat. Go ahead, get the good one, your a$$ deserves it.

   I'd eat more vegetables if they were made of beef.

   The girl in line behind me at the store was taking duck face pics with her phone. I didn't have any bread crumbs on me so I hit that b%$ch in the face with a loaf of french bead.