Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not anti-religion, I'm pro-reality.

   Last night I lied in bed, looking at the stars & thought..... Where in the heck did my ceiling go..

   I've written "sorry about your cat" on WAY too many personal checks.

   Too many Hood guys not enough Good guys.

   It was so cute when you called me last night... LOL JK, don`t you ever interrupt my sleep again.

   Does anybody know how can I send an enemy request on Facebook?

   It’s funny how watching your kids get older is both the best and the worst thing ever

   According to my current parking spot I'm a physician

   Honey Boo Boo owns a Cadillac Escalade?,,, I really don't feel like I should have to pay my student loans back.

   does this hybrid make me look gay??

   The best part about babysitting the grandkids..... Being able to drink on the job!!

   I'm not a ra*cist,,,,ra*cism is a crime and crime is only for blacks.

   I can't be the only person who has trouble pronouncing the words on the eye chart.

   right behind you. And you know who you are....

   Every breathalyzer you take" - The "real" Police

   A Red Box, inside a McDonald's, inside a Walmart... It's like the turducken of retail.

   has some advice for the guys out there... Never put tiger balm on and then go to the bathroom.

   Canadian civics lesson: The Prime Minister,, is a minister who cannot be divided by any other ministers except for himself and one minister.

   If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and cats always land feet first, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat?

   Please pray that Jamie Lee Curtis finally eats enough goddamn yogurt that she poops