Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?

   Studies show that California has the highest rate of Adultery and Depression....It's a sad State of affairs.

   I've discovered the 8th Wonder Of The World. There are no hot women in Minnesota.

   Balloons are so weird... "Congratulations on having a baby, here's a plastic sack of my breath"

   Have you ever felt like you are surrounded by incompitence and realized you were by yourself

   Premature ejaculator seeks bubbly, blonde female with big ti...... Hang on. It dosen't matter now......!

   If you want someone who is always smiling, always happy, get a clown. Or a comedian. I need someone who can get dark with me.

   "I like your pushy." - Sean Connery talking dirty to his woman

   I think that in hell everyone is drunk but you.

   I put the ass in passionate.

   When do we start referring to horribly failed relationships as being Taylor-made?

   Pretty neat how I just lump breakfast, lunch, and dinner all in one meal and call it "drinking".

   Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.

   I’ll smash a jar on the floor before I’ll let a girl open a jar for me.

   Sometimes when I have contractors come over to work at my house I feel like giving them a tip. But then I stop and think...why stop at just the "tip"?

   I wish I was the person that got to choose what posts go on the wall.If you make me spit my coffee from laughing then you made it : )

   "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."

   wants to meet that hot brunette in that Christian Singles ad on the Facebook intro page :)

   When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"

   If you can't out run your problems run towards them and destroy them.