Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Angelina Jolie getting a double mastectomy to reduce the risk of breast cancer is like me cutting my junk off because I might bet blue balls

   Someone walked up to me today and handed me a bible. So I flipped it open and autographed it. As I handed it back to the lady (who looked very confused), I smiled and said.. "It's always nice to meet a fan!"

   My career as a Walmart greeter was cut short when the manager noticed me singing "Welcome to the Jungle" to every customer

   JAB, I had a nightmare I was a Toronto Maple Leafs fan. That's one dream I was glad to wake up from, I'm still laughing. Go Bruins. . .

   If Steve Harvey managed to lose his oversized suits, then there is hope for you too to become a better person.

   Better late than ever definantly applies to your menstrual cycle.

   I've been sleeping at my desk for the past two weeks. ...I can feel a promotion coming my way.

   Give me freedom or give me marriage.

   Marriage is like prison except the food is better and your cellmate never changes.

   do FB users in Australia have Mates??

   Reverse cowgirl or as I like to call it: Damn woman, you forgot to wipe!

   The sins of some are the pleasures of others.

   Opposites attract. Then they get divorced.

   Growing up is basically moving yourself from a state of blissful ignorance to one of agonizing awareness.

   I respect rattlesnakes. At least they have the decency to warn you before they murder you.

   The way your kid acts in public is a reflection of you as a parent.

   Next time you see a harmless bug, let it live. I have this crazy belief that living things should stay alive.

   Hardware Sign: You can always find something in here to take home and screw or bang..

   Babe I'm Pregnant" Guys be like: ♕ KEEP CALM I'll HELP YOU FIND THE FATHER

   I once dated an amputee. She single-handedly changed my life