Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In Japan, the title "Jersey Shore" translates into "Macaroni Rascals"

   what f#cking idiot named them jet-skis instead of boatercycles

   Men! If you don't sleep with them, they never call...if you do sleep with them, they never call. You may as well get a good f**k out of the deal.

   When a man pats a woman on the ass it's just a friendly way to say "Hi". That, and he wants to bang it like a screen door in a tornado.

   Everyone needs a nice pair of boobs to soap up in the shower, their own or someone else's.

   An eye for an eye leaves the whole world with a lot of pirates and cyclops.

   how many cupcakes have to die before all these cupcake wars end??

   are there actually people out there who make their beds every morning or is that just a myth

   It's hard for me to take the things you say seriously when I know what's been in that mouth of yours.

   Thank you internet. before you came along, I had to stare out the window to laugh at strangers.

   I failed my driver's test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Texts and check Facebookk."

   Thank you Facbook. before you came along, I had to stare out the window to laugh at people.

   GUILTY: Because you can't abort justice.

   I just miss being able to slam it down when upset with someone. ..so they could hear it slam.

   Don't drive while sending mixed messages.

   I just bought a pair of socks at Jos A. Banks and got 3 free suits, 4 shirts and 4 ties!!

   I wouldn't make it very long as a tattoo artist because I would always be asking "You're kidding me, right, you want that?"

   Some days I hate getting up for work, but then I think oh well, only another 40 years to go, and that always cheers me up.

   Pregnant Kim Kardashian is moaning in a magazine, "Nothing looks good on me" I disagree. A grand piano dropped from a considerable height would.

   "It was always the pigs who put forward the resolutions. The other animals understood how to vote, but could never think of any resolutions of their own."