Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Half way to my mom's place for Mother's Day,,, only have about 3 more feet of digging.

   If worse comes to worst you can always get her a glass of Mother’s Day water.

   Oh Yeah??,,, Nothing useful in Skymall, eh??.. Okay, (affixes mini umbrellas to shoes)... Enjoy your wet feet

   78,000 applied for a one way trip to Mars? I wonder what part of "one way trip" did they not understand...?

   Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Facebook.

   Easiest job in the world, janitor for a country music bar. Genuine out-house smell intact? Yes. Do nothing.

   apparently my wife and I weren't on the same page with what she wanted for Mother's Day. Who knew there was more than one kind of "facial"?

   "When I'm done sh*tting on your car I'm going to watch your wife undress through the window" - Birds

   Karma= the joy of watching someone get what they deserve. Professionalism= the ability to sit back,enjoy the show and keep your mouth shut.

   My ex-girlfriend gave me the sweetest birthday card, sure it was a restraining order but it's the thought that counts.

   Everyone is a professional runner when I'm chasing them on the sidewalk with my car.

   I love how my George Foreman Grill separates the grease and fat, so I have something to dip my burger in.

   Women! They assume everything but the position.

   Long distance relationships are great cuz you get to date other people in the interim.

   To all the Moms: "Happy Mothers Day"! And to all the Dads: "Happy Sunday.. Mother Fu€Kers"!!

   I am as nervous as Oscar Pistorius's mother on Mother's Day.

   Just throw a J in front of the KKK and no one will take them serious.

   Today's the perfect day for ribs and Salsa music.

   After 31 free samples,, I decided I wasn't really in the mood for Baskin Robins

   I feel sorry for my poor dog today. He is really sad :-( He wanted to spend Mothers Day with his Mom, but he doesn't know where that bit ch is.