Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   growing old is mandatory growing up is optional

   Ive learned one thing from watching zombie movies. Rednecks will survive

   My son weed whacked the yard without being asked... Impressed yes!! He broke out in a sweat the last time it was his turn to change the toilet paper roll.

   Apparently entertainment is more important than our safety.

   and then satan said, 'let there be schools.'

   If you get explanations when they weren't asked for, they're lying.

   Chivalry is dead. Nowadays if a girl accidentally drops her book, no man one comes to pick it up for her. They will wait around and watch her bend over and pick it for herself.

   But if he's had a vasectomy how do you trap him into marriage? *asking for a friend*

   My wifes husband is a great guy!! Not to mention how cool her kids dad is...

   I came, I saw, I cleared the browser history.

   I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.

   Today is national tinfoil hat day. Ok, it's not really, but I don't want to be the only one wearing one.

   Why the hell did you delete the celebrities getting more than soldiers you piece of sh*t?

   You're so fat I can hear you breathing through the Internet.

   DATING TIP: make sure your girlfriend knows that you're dating her.

   My kids are Half-British and Half-Southern......... I pray for their teeth everyday.

   Wonder what Emeniem does for his mom on Mother's Day ?

   We say we love and are fully behind our soldiers risking their lives fighting for our freedom and protecting us from our enemies yet we pay them peanuts while we make millionaires out of sportmen, movie stars, Justin Bieber, the Kadarshians, Kanye west.

   The Sleep Number bed commercial came on & the spokeswoman asked "So what's YOUR sleep number?" I hollered out "80 proof."

   53% of all Jedi marriages end in da force.