Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The white house has a new Benghazi slogan: Hope and change the subject

   I want to formally apologize to cats for being the go-to animal for crazy and lonely people .

   1 cat = 10 years of being single. Now take that and multiply it by the amount of cats you have.

   I hope I enjoy not seeing The Great Gatsby as much as I enjoyed not reading the book.

   I drink a shot of whiskey a day to toast good life & fortune and then the rest of the bottle because I like being drunk.

   I found my true calling in life. Laziness.

   I'm just sitting around waiting for the alcohol to fix everything.

   Cous Cous: So good they named it twice.

   I'm not crazy. I'm just emotionally interesting.

   Why would I want to go to Heaven? None of my friends will be there.

   I need to work on playing hard-to-get. At this point I've pretty much mastered playing there-ya-go!

   I'll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

   It's discouraging when you write out your life plans on a post-it and still have enough room to take a message.

   As long as my stalker has a car, I don't mind one bit. Cuz free roadside assistance.

   Umm why the f^ck would I take care of myself? I’ll never be able to retire. Dying young is my only option.

   It's sad, 'cause strawberries probably hear "strawberry preserve" and think they're safe.

   What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)

   My daily pep talk pretty much consists of: It's ok, It's ok, it'll be funny in a few weeks...

   Does the fact that I supply my own chloroform make me look desperate?

   The opinion of strangers on the Internet is the most important thing in life.