Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.

   Fun thing to do # 58: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you're the valet. 3. Say yes.

   there vodka in your pillow fort? Then no, I won't be attending

   ~ I bet Mediocrities was the most average philosopher ever (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ

   if you read the Bible backwards Jesus is crucified, develops a large following, and then a lot of horrible things happen to people. Oh wait that happened after the bible too...

   FYI - Police say Boston Marathon bomber has been buried in undisclosed location. Hopefully wrapped in bacon with a Bible on his chest...

   Single ◽ Taken ◽ Vodka ✔

   What makes you think I put my pants on one leg at a time?

   Never trust a woman who doesn't b*tch about everything.

   My cats can't drive. But, that doesn't stop me from sending them to the store for more booze.

   Can the next terrorist bomb the westboro baptist church? That would be kinda cool actually

   Me take a bullet for you? I don't think so. What if you planned for someone to shoot you so I could jump in front of you, get shot and you would get rid of me?

   Jealous? You can't say that just cause I murdered a couple of guys who spoke to you. Oh all of them? Ok let's not focus on the details here.

   Due to the Economy, All dollar stores are now accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.

   I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

   before you judge me, please understand that I don't give a crap what you think.

   One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole day is a good day.

   I dance a little in my chair while I'm eating one of my fave meals..... Don't judge me -_-

   don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines!!

   I would like to take this moment to thank Jason Stathem for making male-pattern baldness look badass.