Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk'd...

   Stupid teen mom...There were easier ways of birth control besides The Backdoor. But at least your learned.

   So the Westboro Baptist Church say they are going to picket Jeff Hanneman's funeral. 150 morons against 5000 Slayer fans...... Can't wait to see that one!

   I just want to live in a world where Chicken Pot Pies don't take 45 damn minutes to bake. Scientists, drop what you're doing.

   Some day I will climb into the back of a taxi in the pouring rain and the driver will say "Where to buddy?" and I will say "Just drive."

   Ladies, I'm already fat, so you know what I'll look like after we get married.

   Been watching two black guys shake hands for the past 37 minutes.

   My neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on the cat to put it on him.

   I never judge people by the way they look. Which, in your case, must be a relief.

   What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.

   I'm really a fat person trapped in a fatter person body.

   Life is about kicking ass, not kissing it.

   Why is the creative comedic mind dying?

   I have got a six pack if you want to see it just open my fridge lol

   I have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"

   Oh, you lost your phone and it's on silent? That's too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

   Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

   pfft....who needs state farm when Charles Ramsey is there~!!!

   I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won't notice, but, buy a new phone case...

   There's just some day you want to hear Kripke from Big Bang Theory sing "Rollin" by Limp Bizkit.