Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just go on Facebook to see who's pregnant.

   I tried to be normal once. Worst sex I've ever had in my life.

   "Kicking ass and forgetting names!" - Alzheimer's Fight Club

   had a job as a bartender once at a lesbian bar, but was fired after turning too many women straight.

   Yeah marriages are cool and all, but have you ever heard of something called freedom?

   You're entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to judge you for it

   My legs are so white, they just applied for a job at whole foods

   If your grandma's furniture is wrapped in plastic... Well it's probably because she's a squirter...

   When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left the diamonds on an Island, look for clues on my FB!.....", just to get them to read all the jo kes i've posted.

   My woman is basking in the glow of my majestic presence=My woman is enjoying the shade provided by my enormous belly.

   If you are speaking sign language but one arm is shorter than the other, is that considered an accent?

   Putting down others to make you feel better about yourself is just stupid, you piece of $hit excuse of a human.

   Hey guys who hold on to their women as if they are to fly away if you let go....im judging you....

   I hope that the three brothers who kidnapped and held those girls for so long suffer immensely for the rest of their lives in prison.

   If you are speaking sign language but you have parkinsons, is that considered stuttering?

   Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath"

   this bar sucks so much I just played every Nickelback song I could find on the jukebox and walked out......take that as$ clowns!

   Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X She's never coming back and don't ask Y

   was wondering if anybody wants to come over and practice the lift from Dirty Dancing because my cat is soooooo not having it right now. Needless to say she did not "have the time of her life" and she owes it all to me.

   I'm "Relieved my plans got canceled last minute so I can go to bed early.",,,,,,,, years old.