Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pitching tents in your pants doesn't mean you're outdoorsy.

   Keeping a kayak on the top of your car is a great way to say “I’m outdoorsy, yet douchey

   I just cut my lip on an Oreo. Well it was 3 Oreos. At the same time.

   A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along

   it’s 2013, why does google maps not have a Parkour option? pretty sure I could get to that Burger King in 90 seconds with Parkour moves

   Nothing says I'm cool quite like the sound of Velcro ripping apart.

   I had fanasy;s about the female voice in my head. She is Pregnant, Great I have to pay child support for the next 18 years.

   "May the 4th" be with you!

   I said I don't want to talk to you, I didn't say ignore me. - WOMEN

   I got a little over-aggressive on the trampoline so my 2 year old should be landing in a couple of minutes.

   Dear Liver, The drinking will continue until your attitude improves.

   if you’ve ever had a crush on me god bless your poor misguided heart.

   The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a vegan - then I'm pretty sure you can just get there through his p*ssy.

   Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!

   I swear when black girls wear green contacts they look like a walking xbox

   It's not gay if you forgot your safe word.

   used to arrive fashionably late to parties until he realized it didn't matter because the party only starts when he arrives.

   5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.

   Men stand up to get knocked down - woman lie down to get knocked up!

   Facebook is the "Bermuda Triangle" of the internet.